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Tell me – and I’ll forget, show me – and I’ll remember, let me do – and it will be mine forever !
Скажи мне – и я забуду, покажи мне – и я запомню, позволь мне сделать – и это станет моим навсегда !

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Форум Английского Языка » Юмор » Юмор на английском » Анекдоты на английском языке
Анекдоты на английском языке
english-studiyaДата: Понедельник, 19.09.2011, 18:29 | Сообщение # 1
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Очевидно, что наиболее эффективно английский язык учится тогда, когда человеку нравится процесс обучения.

Самый простой способ обучения, который удовлетворяет этому условию и, при этом, поднимает настроение - это чтение анекдотов. Именно поэтому один из разделов нашего сайта посвящен анекдотам на английском языке.
 
ГостьДата: Понедельник, 19.09.2011, 18:36 | Сообщение # 2
Группа: Гости





Question and answer


Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Добавлено (19.09.2011, 18:36)
---------------------------------------------
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?

A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

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Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?

A. He talks about his business.

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Q: What is an extroverted accountant?

A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

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Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?

A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

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There are just three types of accountants:

Those who can count and those who can't.

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Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?

A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

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Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

A: Depreciation.

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Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?

A: The accountant knows he is boring.

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Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.

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Q: What's an auditor?

A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

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Q: What's an extroverted accountant?

A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.

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Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

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Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?

A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

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Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?

A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

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Q: What's an actuary?

A: An accountant without the sense of humor.

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Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

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Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

A: Invite an accountant.

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Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?

A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent - or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

 
ГостьДата: Понедельник, 19.09.2011, 21:43 | Сообщение # 3
Группа: Гости





A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
 
LenchikДата: Вторник, 20.09.2011, 11:53 | Сообщение # 4
Группа: Гости





One Last Song

These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a last request?"

The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."

The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

Добавлено (20.09.2011, 11:53)
---------------------------------------------
A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question, “How long married?” he hesitated, and then put down, “24 hours a day.”

WORDS
fill an application for a job — заполнять, писать заявление о приёме на работу
hesitate — колебаться, не решаться
put down — написать, записать

 
это ЯДата: Вторник, 20.09.2011, 15:06 | Сообщение # 5
Группа: Гости





Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!
 
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